Okay. Another complaining blog post.
I HATE HATE HATE when people throw God in my face. Yes. I'm a Christian. Yes. I love God. But I hate when I tell my family something i'm excited for, and they use it against me in the worst ways.
It's undeniable that I suck at math, and that's the whole reason Math came up. I took my Algebra 2 test, and I got 5 wrong out of 25. Of course I think I'm brilliant; of course my parents think I failed.
So, my parents start doing the parental blithering, they come out with the phrase "I notice that you don't apply yourself."
So, I burst into tears at this point.
I was kind of hoping that I would miraculously faint, and have to be rushed to the hospital in a rush, and then maybe we could just forget about the whole thing.
My Dad threw something in my face that I wasn't expecting. He KNOWS that I really love worship leading, and that's what I want to do, but he told me "A real worship leader is always looking for God's approval...Which means honoring your parents. Which you're not doing, which is a sin."
OUCH!
In the last two days I have only thought of how much I'm sick of life. I'm not happy at all about what's going on, I feel like everything has a big fat red denied stamp on it, and there is no other options.
I told my friend this, and she said that I "Just started running, don't quit now." I needed that. I need that.
I just need some basic, life necessities. AND, I need a math tutor. haha.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Truman College
Okay.
So, if you've heard ANYTHING I've been saying lately, I've discovered that I really want to go to Christ for the nations down in Dallas, the second I graduate high school.
My plan was to do the 3 year course of that, and then go on to the midwifery school for another two years in the Fort. Worth area. Then I could do 5 years, of two things I absolutely am super interested in.
I knew the second I would tell my sister Sarah, there would be hell. Even though it's in a year, I thought I should tell her.
I know that if I tell her about any 'future plans' she'll talk me out of it, and try to tell me how I could do things the best way possible. In a way I hate it, but in another way, I try to accept this instruction in any way possible, because I know I'll mess up something big time if I don't.
So, I told her last night, and she said that that wouldn't help me at all in life, and that I should really look into my REAL goal, midwifery. "Do that first, and then go to Christ for the nations, if you really want to" I REALLY want to go Christ for the nations, and I thought as midwifery to be something secondary.
After a LONG discussion, we have decided that I probably should go ahead and get my nursing degree. It's not mandatory to get a nursing degree, for getting your midwifery certificate, (At least not in Texas and Illinois) but we thought that could better secure any future jobs that I have.
SO! What's going to happen, is in January, I'm starting Truman college (Ghetto 300 student community college, oh, and CHEAP!) I'm going to take one class per semester. I'll be able to finish any requirements in Math, Chem, and Bio, then, when I'm all graduated and spiffy I'm going to move down to Dallas, and do Christ for the nations. During the summer, (if possible) I'll continue with my 'one class' plan. Once I'm graduated from that, I think I'll go and while I'm spending those two years for Midwifery school, I'll continue throwing credit hours (from my nursing degree) Into the crock pot.
That will be, (I suppose) around 7 YEARS OF SCHOOLING (ick ick ick ick ick) but something cheap. It's all stuff that I think will help me in life. If I start now, I'll finish when I'm 23.
I don't know. I still gotta think about it. But I'll do it. I'll finish with 1. A nursing degree. 2. Advanced Diploma in Practical Theology (Worship and Technical Arts) 3. Midwifery certificate.
Whew. It's going to be a long couple of years.
So, if you've heard ANYTHING I've been saying lately, I've discovered that I really want to go to Christ for the nations down in Dallas, the second I graduate high school.
My plan was to do the 3 year course of that, and then go on to the midwifery school for another two years in the Fort. Worth area. Then I could do 5 years, of two things I absolutely am super interested in.
I knew the second I would tell my sister Sarah, there would be hell. Even though it's in a year, I thought I should tell her.
I know that if I tell her about any 'future plans' she'll talk me out of it, and try to tell me how I could do things the best way possible. In a way I hate it, but in another way, I try to accept this instruction in any way possible, because I know I'll mess up something big time if I don't.
So, I told her last night, and she said that that wouldn't help me at all in life, and that I should really look into my REAL goal, midwifery. "Do that first, and then go to Christ for the nations, if you really want to" I REALLY want to go Christ for the nations, and I thought as midwifery to be something secondary.
After a LONG discussion, we have decided that I probably should go ahead and get my nursing degree. It's not mandatory to get a nursing degree, for getting your midwifery certificate, (At least not in Texas and Illinois) but we thought that could better secure any future jobs that I have.
SO! What's going to happen, is in January, I'm starting Truman college (Ghetto 300 student community college, oh, and CHEAP!) I'm going to take one class per semester. I'll be able to finish any requirements in Math, Chem, and Bio, then, when I'm all graduated and spiffy I'm going to move down to Dallas, and do Christ for the nations. During the summer, (if possible) I'll continue with my 'one class' plan. Once I'm graduated from that, I think I'll go and while I'm spending those two years for Midwifery school, I'll continue throwing credit hours (from my nursing degree) Into the crock pot.
That will be, (I suppose) around 7 YEARS OF SCHOOLING (ick ick ick ick ick) but something cheap. It's all stuff that I think will help me in life. If I start now, I'll finish when I'm 23.
I don't know. I still gotta think about it. But I'll do it. I'll finish with 1. A nursing degree. 2. Advanced Diploma in Practical Theology (Worship and Technical Arts) 3. Midwifery certificate.
Whew. It's going to be a long couple of years.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
complain-y complainer
Have you ever heard someone say "I absolutely hate when someone complains!"
Okay, so we've all heard that before, (we've all probably said it too)
What is the big issue about complaining? Why does everyone hate it so much?
A couple days ago, I ran into target to get something, and while I was checking out, this ginormous black dude (I'm 5'11...if he's ginormous to me, just think how ginormous he is in lil' short Chicago) was my cashier.
Nicest cashier I ever met. We carried on a conversation after I checked out, since nobody else was in line, and one thing that he said that I haven't forgotten was "I don't know why everyone has to complain so much, we should just be happy to be alive, and have a roof over our heads, isn't that enough?"
If I didn't say it myself so often, I would ask the "duh! OF COURSE!" question; "Didn't you realize that saying 'I hate when people complain' is complaining?"
I think it gives a super sense of satisfaction in our own lives when we say it...one of those smug thought processes we think to our self...telling yourself that "Thank God I'm not a complainer" . When people complain towards you, it's almost like this fake-but-almost-real burden they just oozed out on you.
"Oh, What's the right thing to say? Sure, you follow the model social exceptions: you nod, -pretending you care- and say so apologetically "I'm sorry, that always sucks when that happens." or "I know how that feels"
Unfortunately, complaining will always stick to us. Either complaining to ourselves, or complaining to other people, or maybe even people complaining to us.
We are, at heart, complain-ee complainers. Which, you know, can sometimes be a good thing...
Okay. I don't know where the crap that post came from. But I've been laughing about it for the last couple days, and thought I should complain about how people complain. So there.
As you can probably tell:
As you guys can see, I have officially changed my name, url, title, yadda yadda yadda...
I was getting sick of explaining my old one, and this one is easier. TA DA.
You are now informed.
I was getting sick of explaining my old one, and this one is easier. TA DA.
You are now informed.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Running: Day three. (OH, Carolina Girl!)
I have officially! started the C25K program. If you don't know what it is, Its this great free program, which practically makes you being able to not-being-able-to-run-at-all kind of person (Which I totally am, unfortunately,) to run 3 miles after 9 weeks.
Skinny people who love running, please don't scoff while I am so excited about being able to run a sad, 3 miles... (Or even 4 blocks!!! LOL)I have never been able to run, and I think this is a great opportunity to my 3 month plan! :)
I've been hearing about it for a long time from Carolina Girl, and I never really thought twice about it, but then all of the sudden I had a notion to go look into it, and man I'm excited. Today was day one, and I'm so excited about it.
It might actually work!!!
So, thanks be to Carolina Girl, oh, and of course 3FC. :)
Skinny people who love running, please don't scoff while I am so excited about being able to run a sad, 3 miles... (Or even 4 blocks!!! LOL)I have never been able to run, and I think this is a great opportunity to my 3 month plan! :)
I've been hearing about it for a long time from Carolina Girl, and I never really thought twice about it, but then all of the sudden I had a notion to go look into it, and man I'm excited. Today was day one, and I'm so excited about it.
It might actually work!!!
So, thanks be to Carolina Girl, oh, and of course 3FC. :)
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
3 month plan: Rehab?
Yesterday was the new start of a new me.
I made myself a new plan; I'm calling it the 3 month plan...Maybe I'll write some religious book in the future, and be the new Joyce Myers.
Ho-hum.
I have decided I'm not exactly proud of myself on a lot of different things, as are many people. So, I would say a 3 month plan, is almost a commitment to myself (hopefully) ending in a victory.
I was imagining all the wondrous things that needed to be changed about me...Sure, I might want to be a size 2, I might secretly want to have a cigarette-sexy voice, and yes, I might want to have a super hot guy fall in love with me.
Realistically, it all won't happen.
I could technically starve myself for 3 years, smoke 2 packs a day, and live the ultimate soap opera. But how realistic is that?
I literally sat down, and thought about it. I won't type out ever single thing I would love to change about myself, but there is some major ones I would absolutely love to be/have.
One: School. I'm in my junior year of high school, I started two weeks ago, and already I'm struggling. I've always really enjoying anything to do with literature, English, and history. But today I realized when I was doing an Algebra problem, how frustrated I got with it. I didn't understand it, and it bugged me. How great would it be if I could be great at school, rather than barely passing in every subject I'm not interested in?
Two: Social. That means: I have realized that everybody isn't the happy go-lucky person I expect them to be. In the last couple years, I've had GREAT friends wherever I went, and they always made me feel really loved, and always made me laugh. Well, unfortunately lots of my friends have moved away this fall...and I, seeking friends, started going other places...It's been hard adjusting? To a new 'brand' of friends. I would always think of others having to change how they were with friends. But now I realize that I'm the only one like me in this new group. Not necessarily a bad thing. But boy-oh-boy, am I out of the crowd. I guess what I'm saying is that I cant 'expect' people to be a friend like I am.
Three: Losing weight. I know, this is one thing that every girl obsesses over, but I'm sick of being unhealthy. Unfortunately, I'm one of the few people who actually have to worry about it. I'm 35-40 lbs overweight. In three months, If I REALLY work at it, hey, I could totally be rockin'.
Four: Really, really work on getting closer to God.
That means: Spending more time with him, fasting, praying, actually reading my bible, heck, even playing piano.
Five: My mad skills. That means: I just want to be really freakin' awesome at playing piano, and singing. How much more frank can I get? Since being semi-involved at the furnace, I've realized that I probably am not as good as I thought as I was. I guess I want to be good as I thought as I was. It's going to be a long ladder, my friend.
So. Three months. Margie is going to be here. Friends are coming back for Winter break. It's going to be my sweet 16th, and hopefully, this won't go all down the drain.
I guess the real reason for me writing this, and showing the world, is that I hope and pray that I'll be able to call this a victory. Yeah, a freaking big one. If I'm actually able to accomplish all 5 things, It should have it's own episode debut on that old TV show It's a miracle... And you know it too!
I made myself a new plan; I'm calling it the 3 month plan...Maybe I'll write some religious book in the future, and be the new Joyce Myers.
Ho-hum.
I have decided I'm not exactly proud of myself on a lot of different things, as are many people. So, I would say a 3 month plan, is almost a commitment to myself (hopefully) ending in a victory.
I was imagining all the wondrous things that needed to be changed about me...Sure, I might want to be a size 2, I might secretly want to have a cigarette-sexy voice, and yes, I might want to have a super hot guy fall in love with me.
Realistically, it all won't happen.
I could technically starve myself for 3 years, smoke 2 packs a day, and live the ultimate soap opera. But how realistic is that?
I literally sat down, and thought about it. I won't type out ever single thing I would love to change about myself, but there is some major ones I would absolutely love to be/have.
One: School. I'm in my junior year of high school, I started two weeks ago, and already I'm struggling. I've always really enjoying anything to do with literature, English, and history. But today I realized when I was doing an Algebra problem, how frustrated I got with it. I didn't understand it, and it bugged me. How great would it be if I could be great at school, rather than barely passing in every subject I'm not interested in?
Two: Social. That means: I have realized that everybody isn't the happy go-lucky person I expect them to be. In the last couple years, I've had GREAT friends wherever I went, and they always made me feel really loved, and always made me laugh. Well, unfortunately lots of my friends have moved away this fall...and I, seeking friends, started going other places...It's been hard adjusting? To a new 'brand' of friends. I would always think of others having to change how they were with friends. But now I realize that I'm the only one like me in this new group. Not necessarily a bad thing. But boy-oh-boy, am I out of the crowd. I guess what I'm saying is that I cant 'expect' people to be a friend like I am.
Three: Losing weight. I know, this is one thing that every girl obsesses over, but I'm sick of being unhealthy. Unfortunately, I'm one of the few people who actually have to worry about it. I'm 35-40 lbs overweight. In three months, If I REALLY work at it, hey, I could totally be rockin'.
Four: Really, really work on getting closer to God.
That means: Spending more time with him, fasting, praying, actually reading my bible, heck, even playing piano.
Five: My mad skills. That means: I just want to be really freakin' awesome at playing piano, and singing. How much more frank can I get? Since being semi-involved at the furnace, I've realized that I probably am not as good as I thought as I was. I guess I want to be good as I thought as I was. It's going to be a long ladder, my friend.
So. Three months. Margie is going to be here. Friends are coming back for Winter break. It's going to be my sweet 16th, and hopefully, this won't go all down the drain.
I guess the real reason for me writing this, and showing the world, is that I hope and pray that I'll be able to call this a victory. Yeah, a freaking big one. If I'm actually able to accomplish all 5 things, It should have it's own episode debut on that old TV show It's a miracle... And you know it too!
Saturday, September 5, 2009
cleverness.
It's saturday, once again, and i'm realizing how fast my life is rushing by.
I have had SO MUCH happen in the last 9 months, it's astounding. But It doesn't even seem like it has been that long. I'm seriously taking one day at a time. (I know, how quote-ish) My days go by super fast, and when I hit that pillow at night, I think "Didn't I just do this a couple minutes ago?" I'm super happy about lots of things that have been happening to me. Yes, there has been some very crappy parts, but hey, they're over now. I'm happy with myself right now. (Haven't felt that way in a long time) I'm happy with my friends, i'm happy with lots of the decisions, (trust me, i'm surprised that I make decisions too) and well, just plain happy!!! lol
Thought I should mention, I was the prayer furnace yesterday, and it was my turn to do a hour long worship set, so I got up there, and all of the sudden, I realized my voice completley failed on me, and so I was sitting up there just playing piano, and I had 55 minutes left of set. What do you do then? I decided to invited all whoppin 4 people in the room to come up and read whatever bible scripture was on their heart.
Well, I had one after the other of people come up...it turned out to be this really great prayer set. It morphed into prayer for the bride. This one guy came up (who I haven't even seen before at the furnace) and he prayed out of genesis 1!
I never would of thought genesis 1 to be such a powerful prayer...lol It was great.
Aaaah. Such a good time. :) :)
I have had SO MUCH happen in the last 9 months, it's astounding. But It doesn't even seem like it has been that long. I'm seriously taking one day at a time. (I know, how quote-ish) My days go by super fast, and when I hit that pillow at night, I think "Didn't I just do this a couple minutes ago?" I'm super happy about lots of things that have been happening to me. Yes, there has been some very crappy parts, but hey, they're over now. I'm happy with myself right now. (Haven't felt that way in a long time) I'm happy with my friends, i'm happy with lots of the decisions, (trust me, i'm surprised that I make decisions too) and well, just plain happy!!! lol
Thought I should mention, I was the prayer furnace yesterday, and it was my turn to do a hour long worship set, so I got up there, and all of the sudden, I realized my voice completley failed on me, and so I was sitting up there just playing piano, and I had 55 minutes left of set. What do you do then? I decided to invited all whoppin 4 people in the room to come up and read whatever bible scripture was on their heart.
Well, I had one after the other of people come up...it turned out to be this really great prayer set. It morphed into prayer for the bride. This one guy came up (who I haven't even seen before at the furnace) and he prayed out of genesis 1!
I never would of thought genesis 1 to be such a powerful prayer...lol It was great.
Aaaah. Such a good time. :) :)
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
terrifically lovely
I'm finally alone at my house, and I just hugged Anthony goodbye, before my parents come home, and I realized that I haven't written a blog for a really gilly long time.
I guess i'll start out with what's happening lately.
I spent the weekend with Matt and Jess and Cami in Indiana, and I had an amazing time, Cami and Jessica cut my hair a little bit shorter, and me and Cami went outside determined to find apples for an apple pie, which we actually did. :)
This school year is going to be really hard for me, not because of the actual school (if that isn't hard enough) but I would say 3/4 of my friends moved away to college this year.
Everyone from Mather High School, everyone from Saint. Scholastica, Gone. I don't think i've felt this lonely for like 2 years...I think the hardest one is Adam being gone. *
So, now i'm officially back to normal. I think. One of my really close friends told me that I seemed really sad, and that I wasn't even talking, while I was with my usual group of friends. I guess I didn't realize that. I guess I was kind of lost in my own world for a couple of weeks, and i guess I was wallowing in my own tears. lol
So, i'm sorry friends, for not being the most enjoyable person to be around in the last two weeks, please forgive me. :)
* Yes, he was the guy I was talking about. I only was really friends with him since June, and then we we actually "together" since July. 2 months....ah. My first real relationship. Haha. It doesn't seem real...I had a really good time with him,. We knew that we would only be able to date for two months, so it didn't seem like that big of a loss, but I don't think i'll ever do that again. lol.
I guess i'll start out with what's happening lately.
I spent the weekend with Matt and Jess and Cami in Indiana, and I had an amazing time, Cami and Jessica cut my hair a little bit shorter, and me and Cami went outside determined to find apples for an apple pie, which we actually did. :)
This school year is going to be really hard for me, not because of the actual school (if that isn't hard enough) but I would say 3/4 of my friends moved away to college this year.
Everyone from Mather High School, everyone from Saint. Scholastica, Gone. I don't think i've felt this lonely for like 2 years...I think the hardest one is Adam being gone. *
So, now i'm officially back to normal. I think. One of my really close friends told me that I seemed really sad, and that I wasn't even talking, while I was with my usual group of friends. I guess I didn't realize that. I guess I was kind of lost in my own world for a couple of weeks, and i guess I was wallowing in my own tears. lol
So, i'm sorry friends, for not being the most enjoyable person to be around in the last two weeks, please forgive me. :)
* Yes, he was the guy I was talking about. I only was really friends with him since June, and then we we actually "together" since July. 2 months....ah. My first real relationship. Haha. It doesn't seem real...I had a really good time with him,. We knew that we would only be able to date for two months, so it didn't seem like that big of a loss, but I don't think i'll ever do that again. lol.
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