And let there be: Wanting to run away.

Wow.
It's been a long, long time since I last wrote (6 days, lol) I'm bored. So here I am. I got back from the 'girls apartment' about two hours ago. I was helping Babs clean up the fridge, in the big empty apartment, which i'm never going to see again. Me and her were having a long heated conversation, where I started crying.
We were talking about my need for change.
I don't remember when Marvin and Sally came last, (I think fall?) and I right before then was really trying to figure out what to do in my life for the summer. I am sick and tired of just doing nothing over the summer. I really want to work on my relationship with God, since now i'm (sorry for saying this) bored with God. I know, it sounds JUST AWFUL, but i'm being completely honest. I feel like i'm going nowhere. Example: You're on the treadmill in the basement. Sure, you're still going, but the scenery around you is still that moldy ceiling. And no matter how fast or hard you try to go, you're still seeing the same-old same-old.
I really hate that. I try really hard, but nothin' is completely working!

As I have been thinking about this for about a year, I realize it's really where I am. I'm in the prayer furnace, where I grew up my whole life, I know EVERYONE. EVERYONE knows me. I get 'approving glances' from people when I stand up and 'supposedly' worship. I HATE THAT. I want to worship, and people come up to me, oh "Evie, I can see God really moved you're heart since you stood up. PRAISE GOD!" Oh yeah, uh-huh. Praise God. Thanks for ruining it.

I just don't want anyone looking at me, I don't want anybody to 'notice' me. I know what you're saying, "But don't you want everyone to know that you worship God?" Yeah. But can't I just be the insecure teenage girl that i'm supposed to be? Well anyways, to the point, I do it as well, -and you know you do it too- in my head I see someone stand up worshipping, that doesn't usually stand up, and I think to myself, "Wow, the presence is strong here" In my southern voice. Which is instantly followed by me slapping my knee and exclaiming in my head, "Crap, I did it again".
So, in essence, i'm not blaming the furnace at all, or people there, or whatever. I just need new environment.

Okay. My whole entire story leading up to it is, I asked Marvin and Sally if possibly they had a summer internship there that I could be a part of... I would LOVE that. It could really help my spiritual life. Oh God. Please let me go!

Barbara was saying that she felt I should go. And I needed that,. since my parents are kinda against me going there.
Well. I guess i'm done. Let's hope I can fall back into my schedule of writing everyday.