Sitting by myself at home; 8 pm. The there's a few random lamps on, I have a candle burning. I'm wearing comfy slippers. I just got back from a hard day at work. I blast Billie Holiday, and I sip chicken broth.
This is probably one of my happiest places.
One of her songs is titled "I'm a fool to want you" I bet Billie really meant in today's english "I'm effing retarded to even think about wanting you."
Thank you, Billie.
*sip*
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
tenderness
Margie's coming tomorrow. :D
Today I was called in to my work on a 10 minute notice...some horrific thing happened with the other nanny, yadda yadda yadda...and while I was sitting there during Cece's nap, I realized how much my heart has changed since I started working as their nanny.
For one, I think i'm now officially a kid person. I never knew how mushy-gushy I could get. If I babysit longer than 5 hours I walk around the rest of the day calling everybody Cece, and singing "I'm horse one, i'm horse two, together we're going to say....'BOOOOO'" I miss having a 3 year old next to me all the time, (literally, miss...i've never felt a heartache like this one)...now I even brag to my friends about her. It's getting embarassing...but I absolutely adore my job, and I don't know how anybody could get sick of, or exasperated with their own kids.
For two, I practically stopped all else in the 'worldly realm'...I've worked hard to maintain my life whole-heartedly after God, which along with it came another thing: My heart is terribly tender to hearing people swear. "WHAT?!" You might say? The notorious Evie who always said "swearing isn't that big of a deal, I mean, where in the bible does it say not to swear?" *gasp* (note the horrible, immature sarcasm) Guys. It's not good for you spiritually. I'll just say that. I won't judge people if you do, but golly I don't like it.
Now, I kind of always was a hypocrite when it came right down to it, to me, hearing the opposite sex swear was just about the most obnoxious-biggest-horrible-demeaning-turn-off-ish thing you could do. But, hey, when I was out with a certain group of friends, here comes evie the sailor.
Movies, youtube videos (my weak point, I love youtube star vloggers), facebook, who you hang out with ALL affect how you handle certain agreements with God. (such as, 'no swearing')
SO I realized, new goal *dun dun dun* (haha, how many goals have I actually accomplished in this blog?!) I don't want to watch movies that have 80 gabizillion sex scenes in it, if I hear more than 3 swear words, I probably should leave the room, and i'm purposely watching a vlogger on youtube that I absolutely-AHH--DOORREE) but he/she's pretty vulgar, I need to QUIT. Ex button. Good bye. Goodenn Togg.
Same goes with people I hang out with, now I think I officially have a nice size group of friends at the furnace which I know are committed to God...I officially have more christian friends than non-christian friends. Even if it took a year to weed out (that sounds horrible, trust me, no hard feelings between any of my friends and me) I'm so happy with my life right now. I have a good job. I have great friends. I'm starting my senior year of high school. I ALMOST got my schedule down for at the furnace.
EXCEPT: All of the sudden, I suck at cooking. NOOoooo.
Today I was called in to my work on a 10 minute notice...some horrific thing happened with the other nanny, yadda yadda yadda...and while I was sitting there during Cece's nap, I realized how much my heart has changed since I started working as their nanny.
For one, I think i'm now officially a kid person. I never knew how mushy-gushy I could get. If I babysit longer than 5 hours I walk around the rest of the day calling everybody Cece, and singing "I'm horse one, i'm horse two, together we're going to say....'BOOOOO'" I miss having a 3 year old next to me all the time, (literally, miss...i've never felt a heartache like this one)...now I even brag to my friends about her. It's getting embarassing...but I absolutely adore my job, and I don't know how anybody could get sick of, or exasperated with their own kids.
For two, I practically stopped all else in the 'worldly realm'...I've worked hard to maintain my life whole-heartedly after God, which along with it came another thing: My heart is terribly tender to hearing people swear. "WHAT?!" You might say? The notorious Evie who always said "swearing isn't that big of a deal, I mean, where in the bible does it say not to swear?" *gasp* (note the horrible, immature sarcasm) Guys. It's not good for you spiritually. I'll just say that. I won't judge people if you do, but golly I don't like it.
Now, I kind of always was a hypocrite when it came right down to it, to me, hearing the opposite sex swear was just about the most obnoxious-biggest-horrible-demeaning-turn-off-ish thing you could do. But, hey, when I was out with a certain group of friends, here comes evie the sailor.
Movies, youtube videos (my weak point, I love youtube star vloggers), facebook, who you hang out with ALL affect how you handle certain agreements with God. (such as, 'no swearing')
SO I realized, new goal *dun dun dun* (haha, how many goals have I actually accomplished in this blog?!) I don't want to watch movies that have 80 gabizillion sex scenes in it, if I hear more than 3 swear words, I probably should leave the room, and i'm purposely watching a vlogger on youtube that I absolutely-AHH--DOORREE) but he/she's pretty vulgar, I need to QUIT. Ex button. Good bye. Goodenn Togg.
Same goes with people I hang out with, now I think I officially have a nice size group of friends at the furnace which I know are committed to God...I officially have more christian friends than non-christian friends. Even if it took a year to weed out (that sounds horrible, trust me, no hard feelings between any of my friends and me) I'm so happy with my life right now. I have a good job. I have great friends. I'm starting my senior year of high school. I ALMOST got my schedule down for at the furnace.
EXCEPT: All of the sudden, I suck at cooking. NOOoooo.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Happiness
I hate doing nerve racking things for the first time.
I'll just be honest here. Things like, playing piano for the bridegroom watch meeting on Friday night,. Riding on the bus by myself in big bad Chicago. Telling a guy "F-off douche-bag". Teaching a class. Telling a guy I like him...(before it gets too far). Not wearing makeup outside. Feeling like I CAN rely on the holy spirit enough to not have any plans. Nannying, making big girl decisions.
All things, that are part of every day life. I hate em, but I know if I do it once, I can do it over and over again, and be invincible time and time after again. Okay. Telling a guy I like him, well, that didn't go too well...(i'm actually not SURE how it went myself still) But, it's something I've never ever ever done before. And, I'm glad I did it. Something accomplished. The last 3 months have been a roller coaster of trying new things, sure. They might sound small, but the truth is I feel like they were big things that I was hoping for, waiting for the right time for.
REALLY. This is all for the fact that IT'S ALMOST SEPTEMBER, which means that it's almost been one year since I started being put on schedule at the furnace...if you don't remember, I gave myself one year to suck.
Um. Another goal of under the truck. But I can give myself a thumbs up. I worked my money maker off! (Actually, it's still there. METAPHORICALLY) I did improve. I did actually ImPrOvE! Yay me!
Thank God for second chances, and thank God everything happens for a reason, and! Thank God that i'm undeniably happy with myself, for WHO I AM. I did go out on a limb, and shizzz i'm happy about it.
I'll just be honest here. Things like, playing piano for the bridegroom watch meeting on Friday night,. Riding on the bus by myself in big bad Chicago. Telling a guy "F-off douche-bag". Teaching a class. Telling a guy I like him...(before it gets too far). Not wearing makeup outside. Feeling like I CAN rely on the holy spirit enough to not have any plans. Nannying, making big girl decisions.
All things, that are part of every day life. I hate em, but I know if I do it once, I can do it over and over again, and be invincible time and time after again. Okay. Telling a guy I like him, well, that didn't go too well...(i'm actually not SURE how it went myself still) But, it's something I've never ever ever done before. And, I'm glad I did it. Something accomplished. The last 3 months have been a roller coaster of trying new things, sure. They might sound small, but the truth is I feel like they were big things that I was hoping for, waiting for the right time for.
REALLY. This is all for the fact that IT'S ALMOST SEPTEMBER, which means that it's almost been one year since I started being put on schedule at the furnace...if you don't remember, I gave myself one year to suck.
Um. Another goal of under the truck. But I can give myself a thumbs up. I worked my money maker off! (Actually, it's still there. METAPHORICALLY) I did improve. I did actually ImPrOvE! Yay me!
Thank God for second chances, and thank God everything happens for a reason, and! Thank God that i'm undeniably happy with myself, for WHO I AM. I did go out on a limb, and shizzz i'm happy about it.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
I have a blog?
So I almost completely forgot that I have a blog, but while I was at the furnace writing out a journal entry (which I rarely do) I had an urge to blog this out. Mostly for the remembrance of this month, since I find this month to start to play a big importance in my tiny life.
------
Waiting can be so difficult.
This month I have taken the vow to remain faithful to God, meaning I will trust in what he says to me. He promised me this month -quite a long time ago- and I'm going to stand by the verse Matthew 21:18-22* (particularly the last verse) So.
Believing.
...can be one of the most difficult things. Especially for that things unseen, which reminds me of another verse "Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see" (Hebrews 11:1)
Can I be filled with FAITH?! Can I be certain, God? Can I trust in YOUR word? The answer is "Of course I can, he's faithful. Isn't that exactly what he advertises all over his bible?"
The truth is, I have been hurt before, in a situation particularly similar to this this one. The difference of the last one is I practically lied to myself every day, being afraid to ask God questions knowing how he was going to answer. It took me TWO FREAKING YEARS of struggling with depression, struggling with friendships, struggling through my relationship with God,-struggling with guys even touching me- after I discovered painfully that something wasn't happening.
The difference with this situation is; I leaned on God through every second. He blessed me through my waiting. I HAVE found joy. I HAVE found confirmation. I HAVE found love.
Will I be hurt this month if nothing happens?
Indeed!
But will I be able to find peace at the end of my so-called finish line?
God help me trust, and to believe.
In the good news area of my life, The last three days I have gone through an extremely hyper/joyful/humorous mood, that seems to have no end. He has brought JOY in the waiting f'sho. Thank you Jesus. SO , I sit here and believe. And wait. And be sure of what I do not see. with FAITH. Just like Abraham.
*Early in the morning, as he was on his way back to the city, he was hungry. Seeing a fig tree by the road, he went up to it but found nothing on it except leaves. Then he said to it, "May you never bear fruit again!" Immediately the tree withered.
When the disciples saw this, they were amazed. "How did the fig tree wither so quickly?" they asked.
Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."
------
Waiting can be so difficult.
This month I have taken the vow to remain faithful to God, meaning I will trust in what he says to me. He promised me this month -quite a long time ago- and I'm going to stand by the verse Matthew 21:18-22* (particularly the last verse) So.
Believing.
...can be one of the most difficult things. Especially for that things unseen, which reminds me of another verse "Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see" (Hebrews 11:1)
Can I be filled with FAITH?! Can I be certain, God? Can I trust in YOUR word? The answer is "Of course I can, he's faithful. Isn't that exactly what he advertises all over his bible?"
The truth is, I have been hurt before, in a situation particularly similar to this this one. The difference of the last one is I practically lied to myself every day, being afraid to ask God questions knowing how he was going to answer. It took me TWO FREAKING YEARS of struggling with depression, struggling with friendships, struggling through my relationship with God,-struggling with guys even touching me- after I discovered painfully that something wasn't happening.
The difference with this situation is; I leaned on God through every second. He blessed me through my waiting. I HAVE found joy. I HAVE found confirmation. I HAVE found love.
Will I be hurt this month if nothing happens?
Indeed!
But will I be able to find peace at the end of my so-called finish line?
God help me trust, and to believe.
In the good news area of my life, The last three days I have gone through an extremely hyper/joyful/humorous mood, that seems to have no end. He has brought JOY in the waiting f'sho. Thank you Jesus. SO , I sit here and believe. And wait. And be sure of what I do not see. with FAITH. Just like Abraham.
*Early in the morning, as he was on his way back to the city, he was hungry. Seeing a fig tree by the road, he went up to it but found nothing on it except leaves. Then he said to it, "May you never bear fruit again!" Immediately the tree withered.
When the disciples saw this, they were amazed. "How did the fig tree wither so quickly?" they asked.
Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
second day
...of fasting.
That was actually one of my new resolutions. Do the bridegroom watch fasts. (the first monday, tuesday, wednesday of every month, you fast. In december you fast what? 4 days? Totaling up to 40 days of fasting)
I wasn't really into the whole 'fasting thing' but the last one I had so many people ask me why I don't fast, or even saying straight out "girl, you need to fast."
There's my neon sign from God. lol
So, here I go, on my little adventure. I'm sick as a dog for this one, (the worst head cold known to man) but, it's all good.
That was actually one of my new resolutions. Do the bridegroom watch fasts. (the first monday, tuesday, wednesday of every month, you fast. In december you fast what? 4 days? Totaling up to 40 days of fasting)
I wasn't really into the whole 'fasting thing' but the last one I had so many people ask me why I don't fast, or even saying straight out "girl, you need to fast."
There's my neon sign from God. lol
So, here I go, on my little adventure. I'm sick as a dog for this one, (the worst head cold known to man) but, it's all good.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
