to read or not to read

I have found these last couple of days to be horrible; I have literally been so annoyed at myself for so many reasons beyond words. I have discovered too many things about my self, and almost to the extent of wanting to change every single aspect of myself, and every single little thing that bothers me, (and I'm sure bothers other people too) I have discovered almost a mystery about myself.

It always turns out to be a terrible thing when these things happen, almost eerie. "How did I not know that about myself?" "How did I not notice that there was a major issue in that place of my heart?" I always only seem to notice these things when I talk.

Of course it all come down to my blabber-mouth tendencies. I see that I say things that I don't even realize fell out of my mouth*. I find that I try too hard. My personality is getting berserk because of it. I have noticed clearly with various friendships, It's lacking something more.

Also, another thing that I find really quite frustrating is the fact that I don't have anything interesting about myself. I really don't do anything in particular that wants people to be friends with me. Nothing interesting, not an amazing personality that everyone is intensely attracted to. My group of friends that are not christians tend to be more open, and accept me for my quirky self, I adore that. Why can't everyone be like that?

I discovered though at my church is that people are more closed. Everyone has their own little group, it really is an acceptance issue. It's such a small church, I grew up with practically everyone, but I also feel kind of awkward there. I don't have any real friends there. I have REAL friends there, but i'm not close to them as I wish I could be. (Especially as my church family, frankly,I feel extremely left out) It's almost like I just sit in a chair and hope that someone comes and talks to me.**

Okay, so sorry for the 'downer post' guys, i'm surprised if you actually read this much since it's such a self-absorbed blog post. I'll have to write in later since it is getting so late, and i'll definitely be able to write more by tomorrow (or sunday) I hate where I am, and if you think about me this week or today, please pray for me. This time I really need it. I don't really feel how I want to feel, and it's not good where I am...



*Almost like drool when your sleeping on a plane, you wake up, and you realize you have that drool coming down your chin, on to your chest. It's just about the most embarrassing thing.
**Johnnie- (Since you're the only one who reads my blog, at least I think you do) I'm not necessarily talking about you in general, it's mostly me and my extreme wild imagination taking a hold of me. :)