This is bliss.

Sitting by myself at home; 8 pm. The there's a few random lamps on, I have a candle burning. I'm wearing comfy slippers. I just got back from a hard day at work. I blast Billie Holiday, and I sip chicken broth.

This is probably one of my happiest places.

One of her songs is titled "I'm a fool to want you" I bet Billie really meant in today's english "I'm effing retarded to even think about wanting you."

Thank you, Billie.

*sip*

tenderness

Margie's coming tomorrow. :D

Today I was called in to my work on a 10 minute notice...some horrific thing happened with the other nanny, yadda yadda yadda...and while I was sitting there during Cece's nap, I realized how much my heart has changed since I started working as their nanny.

For one, I think i'm now officially a kid person. I never knew how mushy-gushy I could get. If I babysit longer than 5 hours I walk around the rest of the day calling everybody Cece, and singing "I'm horse one, i'm horse two, together we're going to say....'BOOOOO'" I miss having a 3 year old next to me all the time, (literally, miss...i've never felt a heartache like this one)...now I even brag to my friends about her. It's getting embarassing...but I absolutely adore my job, and I don't know how anybody could get sick of, or exasperated with their own kids.

For two, I practically stopped all else in the 'worldly realm'...I've worked hard to maintain my life whole-heartedly after God, which along with it came another thing: My heart is terribly tender to hearing people swear. "WHAT?!" You might say? The notorious Evie who always said "swearing isn't that big of a deal, I mean, where in the bible does it say not to swear?" *gasp* (note the horrible, immature sarcasm) Guys. It's not good for you spiritually. I'll just say that. I won't judge people if you do, but golly I don't like it.

Now, I kind of always was a hypocrite when it came right down to it, to me, hearing the opposite sex swear was just about the most obnoxious-biggest-horrible-demeaning-turn-off-ish thing you could do. But, hey, when I was out with a certain group of friends, here comes evie the sailor.

Movies, youtube videos (my weak point, I love youtube star vloggers), facebook, who you hang out with ALL affect how you handle certain agreements with God. (such as, 'no swearing')

SO I realized, new goal *dun dun dun* (haha, how many goals have I actually accomplished in this blog?!) I don't want to watch movies that have 80 gabizillion sex scenes in it, if I hear more than 3 swear words, I probably should leave the room, and i'm purposely watching a vlogger on youtube that I absolutely-AHH--DOORREE) but he/she's pretty vulgar, I need to QUIT. Ex button. Good bye. Goodenn Togg.

Same goes with people I hang out with, now I think I officially have a nice size group of friends at the furnace which I know are committed to God...I officially have more christian friends than non-christian friends. Even if it took a year to weed out (that sounds horrible, trust me, no hard feelings between any of my friends and me) I'm so happy with my life right now. I have a good job. I have great friends. I'm starting my senior year of high school. I ALMOST got my schedule down for at the furnace.

EXCEPT: All of the sudden, I suck at cooking. NOOoooo.

Happiness

I hate doing nerve racking things for the first time.

I'll just be honest here. Things like, playing piano for the bridegroom watch meeting on Friday night,. Riding on the bus by myself in big bad Chicago. Telling a guy "F-off douche-bag". Teaching a class. Telling a guy I like him...(before it gets too far). Not wearing makeup outside. Feeling like I CAN rely on the holy spirit enough to not have any plans. Nannying, making big girl decisions.

All things, that are part of every day life. I hate em, but I know if I do it once, I can do it over and over again, and be invincible time and time after again. Okay. Telling a guy I like him, well, that didn't go too well...(i'm actually not SURE how it went myself still) But, it's something I've never ever ever done before. And, I'm glad I did it. Something accomplished. The last 3 months have been a roller coaster of trying new things, sure. They might sound small, but the truth is I feel like they were big things that I was hoping for, waiting for the right time for.

REALLY. This is all for the fact that IT'S ALMOST SEPTEMBER, which means that it's almost been one year since I started being put on schedule at the furnace...if you don't remember, I gave myself one year to suck.

Um. Another goal of under the truck. But I can give myself a thumbs up. I worked my money maker off! (Actually, it's still there. METAPHORICALLY) I did improve. I did actually ImPrOvE! Yay me!

Thank God for second chances, and thank God everything happens for a reason, and! Thank God that i'm undeniably happy with myself, for WHO I AM. I did go out on a limb, and shizzz i'm happy about it.

I have a blog?

So I almost completely forgot that I have a blog, but while I was at the furnace writing out a journal entry (which I rarely do) I had an urge to blog this out. Mostly for the remembrance of this month, since I find this month to start to play a big importance in my tiny life.


------

Waiting can be so difficult.
This month I have taken the vow to remain faithful to God, meaning I will trust in what he says to me. He promised me this month -quite a long time ago- and I'm going to stand by the verse Matthew 21:18-22* (particularly the last verse) So.

Believing.
...can be one of the most difficult things. Especially for that things unseen, which reminds me of another verse "Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see" (Hebrews 11:1)

Can I be filled with FAITH?! Can I be certain, God? Can I trust in YOUR word? The answer is "Of course I can, he's faithful. Isn't that exactly what he advertises all over his bible?"

The truth is, I have been hurt before, in a situation particularly similar to this this one. The difference of the last one is I practically lied to myself every day, being afraid to ask God questions knowing how he was going to answer. It took me TWO FREAKING YEARS of struggling with depression, struggling with friendships, struggling through my relationship with God,-struggling with guys even touching me- after I discovered painfully that something wasn't happening.

The difference with this situation is; I leaned on God through every second. He blessed me through my waiting. I HAVE found joy. I HAVE found confirmation. I HAVE found love.

Will I be hurt this month if nothing happens?

Indeed!

But will I be able to find peace at the end of my so-called finish line?

God help me trust, and to believe.

In the good news area of my life, The last three days I have gone through an extremely hyper/joyful/humorous mood, that seems to have no end. He has brought JOY in the waiting f'sho. Thank you Jesus. SO , I sit here and believe. And wait. And be sure of what I do not see. with FAITH. Just like Abraham.

*Early in the morning, as he was on his way back to the city, he was hungry. Seeing a fig tree by the road, he went up to it but found nothing on it except leaves. Then he said to it, "May you never bear fruit again!" Immediately the tree withered.
When the disciples saw this, they were amazed. "How did the fig tree wither so quickly?" they asked.
Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."

second day

...of fasting.

That was actually one of my new resolutions. Do the bridegroom watch fasts. (the first monday, tuesday, wednesday of every month, you fast. In december you fast what? 4 days? Totaling up to 40 days of fasting)

I wasn't really into the whole 'fasting thing' but the last one I had so many people ask me why I don't fast, or even saying straight out "girl, you need to fast."

There's my neon sign from God. lol

So, here I go, on my little adventure. I'm sick as a dog for this one, (the worst head cold known to man) but, it's all good.

"would you appreciate this?"

ON THE way home from Costco today, It was snowing/raining/spitting ice cubes. We were at the red light, and there was this old guy. I don't know, 60-70 years old, and he was walking knee deep in ice-spittle. He was holding the same old sign, saying the same old usual stuff "Hungry, Cold, I'll take ANY FOOD, God bless."

My whole entire family is very *ahem* stubborn about the whole entire, giving-hard-earned-money-to-fake-homeless-men, thing. I've never really thought about actually giving my money away, but today, while I was looking at that guy, I really felt bad. I mean, yeah; that could totally be a dollop of hoax up my alley...But, okay. So, I'm going to say this, I don't like saying it only because it sounds so cliche, and everything else, but! What Would Jesus Do? (Gah! Guilt!!)

That phrase is like a open tube of super vaseline in your purse, it just bursts in the middle and starts squeezing everywhere, and of course there is thing you can do about it. It's everywhere. There's no water, hand sanitizer, soap, nothing, that could actually take it off of your uber cool wallet. (I guess that's saying if you're a Jesus believer, you know, the real ones? Not the 'yeah-I-believe-in-Jesus-but-I'm-going-act-like-a-real-biznatch-because-i-mean-who-really-cares-anyways-? kind of Jesus believers?)

Would Jesus jump out of that car, wrap his new puff-jacket around the homeless man, and give him the apple pie in the trunk? Asking him in his voice-that-calms-storms if he has anywhere to go for Christmas, then putting him in the backseat of the car, and stopping at dunkin' donuts for a hot cocoa? (The answer is: HECK YES! HECK TO THE YES!) What kind of Christians are we, if we don't have Jesus' heart for his people? What are we showing to other people? Yeah. Christians are messed up to the 34938 degree. We gots sum issues.

Okay. So, this guy could of been Mr. druggie/drunkie. I get that. That doesn't mean I don't take the chance to not show him Jesus.

No, that doesn't mean you hand him a 20, and yell JESUS LOVES YOU! REPENT! And drive off...(the very least you could pray for them..)

FYI: I handed him $2. It's what I had in my wallet. I wished him Happy Holidays. The End.



God, thank you for vaseline in the heart. Thank you God that some things never go away in my heart, and just seem to stick to everything I do. (Even my wallet, yes)

(disclaimer: Okay. This has been preached in EVERY CHURCH IN AMERICA, WRITTEN ON EVERY CHRISTIAN BLOG, Etc, Etc,.. I know. Not very original, but It really was legit in my heart today.)


New resolution: Give money, to every homeless person I see, if I have it with me.

Oh, isn't this just swell.

Dear T-mobile,

I hate you with a fiery passion.

Love,
Evie

P.S. I love your customer service. Good job! Keep it up!

************************

I think that is precisely my problem. Me and my Dad call up customer care, to figure out the cell phone situation (we finally get our upgrades) We talk to sugary-sweet-southern ladies, and they tell us exactly what needs to happen.

In the end, (after much complaining from my Dad) they told us they couldn't do anything for us. We couldn't get any of the phones for under $100. Since I'm on the phone with them on speaker phone, my Dad takes the phone from me, and tells them in a *ahem* ..threatening voice, "Thanks for rewarding our 5 years of payment to you guys!!" So, I take the phone back, and say "Happy Holidays!" ..And hang up the phone.

Ha.

*sip* ahhh.

Nintendo, haircuts, and giordanos. :) My day. Three words. Beat that.

In 6 days it's Christmas. I don't remember how it is was 6 days before christmas last year. But, i'm sure it doesn't compare to this...This year, actually, wasn't that bad. After I got through the major icky-sucky-icky days from last year (which officially ended at the end of December) Life hasn't been half bad.

Anyways.

Christmas wrapping tonight, I think Jess and Matt are coming tonight (sister and hubby) yay!

Sleeping bag

Yesterday, I got my nicest winter jacket...ever.

I guess I was kind of going for a more traditional kind of warm pea-coat sort of thing.

Yeah, that didn't happen.


After much dismay, of looking through the racks upon racks of peacoats -and not finding anything that I liked- I finally decided to go for the sleeping bag look. I really wanted a hood (hey, it gets cold in Chicago, and I wanted to look all 'sweehheet-in-yo-eskimo-face' kind of way. :) Well, anyway, here I am, in Burlington coat factory, crawling between all of the racks, trying on every single one, and running excitedly to the mirror (I really felt like I was in the say yes to the coat tv show) to see if that truly, indeed was 'the one'.

Anyways, I got one. It's down, it's warm, it's black, it's cute as all get-out.


ALSO:

Update on the prayer furnace israel set.

Yeah. I know. I suck at it...worship leading, co/leading, singing, playing piano, anything else you want to call it, I'm not the best. Yeah. The last couple of times of leading, I totally bombed it...I swear. It is one of the most challenging things, I have ever done in my whole life, you are humble-fied/smack-ified every single time you do it, you get to see people's reactions in ways that you never thought would even hit/hurt you as bad as they did. (really, ouch!) I'm already half-way done with my first of year of worship leading, and you know, honestly, I thought I would already be amazing. I thought I would have everything down sooo perfect, that everyone else would be amazed.
Ha! God proved me wrong.

• Thank you God, that everything is in your plan, and that I almost never stick to all of my plans. Thank you Jesus for having a purpose and place for every single that that has been given to me, and everything that has happened to me.

Christmas gifts

Well. Tis the season to give gifts. So. I officially got everyone's Christmas gifts! (yay me!) This year was almost too easy, I ordered everything off the Internet, and just had fun with it.

I got everyone some super sweet gifts too, if I do say so myself. :)

OH! And, tonight I get to get a new winter coat! Yay! I've been trying to pull off the sweatshirt and fleece north face jacket. I don't think I can pretend any longer that it actually is warm. Some things you just need to spend your money on. Haha

This week I've been practicing a lot on the piano, and I'm really hoping that the Israel set goes good tomorrow. I'm so ready to get out of the major stump I've been in. I mean, i'm more embarrassed that I keep on messing up so bad. I should be better at this. *sigh* I gotta be good at something!! lol... I love my team though. They are soo my favorite people ever. And I have only been thrown bucket-fulls of super-grace. Tomorrow is a new day, and if I really focus (and don't have any weirdo sound problems) I think everything should go pretty good! --pray for me. :/

official!

I officially like my new blog template/layout thing a magic!

yay!

I think, I also, 'officially' might get back to blogging everyday. Hold me accountable guys. :)

*whew*

I THINK i'm going to call-age. Now it's not going to be mondays and wednesdays, but instead saturdays. With a crazy professor, who is in love with cats..(according to ratemyprofessor.com) Tomorrow is ANOTHER nasty COMPASS test. (aka, placement test) and some weird student orientation. Then, job finding time.

:/

I got in a fight with my mom today.

I guess it's more of a personal preference when I said to myself that I would never say "I hate you" to my mom..

ugh. I guess the whole dealio was after I got in the car was my Mom said that she never knew that I wanted to go to wilbur wright...even after I mentioned it only every single day for the last 3 weeks that I needed to go there on the 16th to meet with an advisor and register for classes. I sat with them and asked them on which classes I should take first, I freaking studied with them every saturday, and then all of the sudden they want to say that I never asked them about it? And that they never said yes?

Pssssh. Heck no.

*sigh* oh well.

I'm so terrible at this.

I changed my background (finally) but I've been noticing that I suck at everything in life. Blogging would definitely be on the top 100. lolI'm still trying to find a new one...I've never really liked any of them that I've had...:(

Christmas is right around the corner (whoo!) and I'm getting pretty excited about my birthday, which is on the 29th. I am soo freaking determined to have a good birthday this year. Frankly, the last 4 years, have MAJOR BLOWED in the birthday department.

I guess I'm not expecting fireworks on my birthday, or even a couple friends to call me, remember, or get me gifts, or get a party. But some sort of acknowledgment would be nice.

Let's just say, my birthday's usually end up with me crying in the front seat of my sisters car drinking coconut rum straight up in parking lots.

*ahem*

So! Here's a dallop of pledge to myself. I'm not going to take shit from anyone. I'm not going to expect anything. Nada. Nothing. ZIP.




P.S, funny birthday history: ONE birthday, I tried planning my own surprise party, only because it was turning out so terrible, that I convinced my best friend to tell my other friends to 'randomly throw evie a surprise party'. It failed terribly. And it hurt so much more when I knew that my friends weren't my real friends. (except you miss margaroon, forever n' ever!) ANOTHER birthday, (my 10th birthday) I had to kick everyone out of my party, and get in a car because a very close family friend died, we drove to arkansas that night to get to the funeral in the morning. Another birthday, I actually did drink coconut rum with my sister in the car. In the morning my grandma told me she wanted to take me to my favorite restaurant for my birthday, but instead took me to ikea (my least favorite place in the world, lol) and then got in a huge fight with grandpa, making a huge scene where she stomped off, leaving me to go home with my pissed off grandpa. Then, later that night, I was having a party that I threw for myself, and nobody could show up because of a snow blizzard.

chaching.

Oh boy. I haven't blogged in forever.

So, apparently, every single person I know is having a "love" problem. More or less, they're "in love" with somebody that they don't know loves them. Crushes. Or actual love, I don't know, but...

I feel terrible.

I mean, let me say this, I am totally comfortable in my life right now. With almost everything. I'm starting college in January, Christmas is coming (my favorite time of the year) and i'm MOVING OUT in a year and a half. *tic-toc-tic-toc*

Seeing all my friends completely freaking out over these things makes me uncomfortable. This is one of the first/few times I'm ever just plain out simple happy as can be, I have GREAT friends, oh-my-gosh, everyone that i've ever had a problem with EVER is completely resolved, (fine, except two, but I need some SUPER healing there, lol)

I had an amazing time in nashville too. I got to hang out at thunder school, and there was such a strong presence of GOD there that I was totally blown away. And then I realized that my sets at the furnace are NOTHING like that. :(...I mean, to go somewhere for a whole week where everyone in the room is jumping up and down,-yeah, even that 93 year old- you kind of realize what you're missing.

So, resolution: New Songs, and getting closer to God. lol