And let there be: Frustration with God.

Well, as by the title, you could magically discover that I am, officially frustrated. Last night at our church, we had Alli Morgan come to visit at our church...She was a very amazing person, and to hear all of her stories/testimonies made me excited.

Well, I guess you should know where I'm coming from; I should say that I grew up as a Christian, in a "Radical Church" if you would like to say that, umm, well I have had a easy life in some points, I have never been raped, I never really abused drugs/alcohol, I never was homeless, I never have gone a day hungry, my parents aren't divorced, I have never had anybody close to me die. I have a lot to be thankful for, really.

I kinda always wanted (as sick as this sounds) to be in a hurtful situation, where I could come to God, weak, and "in want", I could get a holy-spirit-blast from God, and bam! TESTIMONY. Lol. I find my life so dull, I'm not saying that I should go out and have all those things happen to me, but it's hard when everyone around is saying "I WAS AN ALCOHOLIC, I WAS A PORN ADDICT, AND SUICIDAL, AND GOD RADICALLY SAVED MY LIFE!!!"

I'm just little ol' me. I want to come from that brokenness, and be fully able to understand God, and appreciate him, for all he is worth. I guess that's what I'm trying to figure out, why can't I appreciate God for everything he is worth? It's because I don't come from that brokenness, you really find God when you come from brokenness. It's simple, In the dream 101 class I took, they said sometimes God puts you in those hard places because you're so in "happy-land" that you completely forget about God, no more, "Thanks God" or "How are ya?" We forget about him because we are not in want any more. Jesus is JEALOUS for you. He wants your full attention... he loves making you happy, but especially when you are THANKFUL for it. I mean, I guess you could look at it on two ways, "Wow, God is a jerk" or "Aw, God just wants our full attention" My reaction was the first of the two. But really, you could look at it two ways. Okay. So, now I'm officially rambling on and on.

Well, okay, since now you know, I'm not in any state whatsoever of brokenness, I try really hard to talk to God daily, and I always want my little taste of "Him."
Alli was saying "Ask and you shall receive" So, I ask. Okay, not working, i'll "Knock, and the door will be opened" Nope. Not working. John Bailey asked the people who want to be prayed for to step up. I step up. I stood there awkwardly playing with my ring on my finger to be prayed, everyone around me is being blasted, laughing their heads off, screaming, falling on the ground. Yeah. Again, i'm the random person who never falls flat on their face. Alli prayed for me for like two seconds for freedom in my love.
Right.
I stood there trying to giggle (my thought process was, "well maybe if I start, I won't want to stop.") So, it turned out too awkward for me. I decided to go pray for my "Blast" so I sat on the ground by the blankets, and I had my head, face down on the chair. And I prayed. Well, and cried. I hoped something would happen. Nope. Absolutely nothing. Once again.

I really only once got "holy spirit-blasted" and that was when I was 13, and I went to a prayer meeting with my sister at Nora's house. Everyone prayed for me, and I saw a vision of my heart, and how it was like a tin-can that was completely crumpled, and that God was sticking one of those things (like sticks? I don't really know, I know they do it with smashed in cars, lol) in to pop it all back into place again. It ended up completely restored, only with holes in it, but then all the holes were filled. Yep. That was my vision. lol that was after the worst summer of my life. lol

Yep. That's it...Definitely more tomorrow, I wanted to write about other things, but this has gotten too long.
:D