*puts hands over ears and hums*

Okay. Another complaining blog post.

I HATE HATE HATE when people throw God in my face. Yes. I'm a Christian. Yes. I love God. But I hate when I tell my family something i'm excited for, and they use it against me in the worst ways.

It's undeniable that I suck at math, and that's the whole reason Math came up. I took my Algebra 2 test, and I got 5 wrong out of 25. Of course I think I'm brilliant; of course my parents think I failed.

So, my parents start doing the parental blithering, they come out with the phrase "I notice that you don't apply yourself."

So, I burst into tears at this point.

I was kind of hoping that I would miraculously faint, and have to be rushed to the hospital in a rush, and then maybe we could just forget about the whole thing.

My Dad threw something in my face that I wasn't expecting. He KNOWS that I really love worship leading, and that's what I want to do, but he told me "A real worship leader is always looking for God's approval...Which means honoring your parents. Which you're not doing, which is a sin."

OUCH!



In the last two days I have only thought of how much I'm sick of life. I'm not happy at all about what's going on, I feel like everything has a big fat red denied stamp on it, and there is no other options.

I told my friend this, and she said that I "Just started running, don't quit now." I needed that. I need that.

I just need some basic, life necessities. AND, I need a math tutor. haha.

Truman College

Okay.

So, if you've heard ANYTHING I've been saying lately, I've discovered that I really want to go to Christ for the nations down in Dallas, the second I graduate high school.

My plan was to do the 3 year course of that, and then go on to the midwifery school for another two years in the Fort. Worth area. Then I could do 5 years, of two things I absolutely am super interested in.

I knew the second I would tell my sister Sarah, there would be hell. Even though it's in a year, I thought I should tell her.

I know that if I tell her about any 'future plans' she'll talk me out of it, and try to tell me how I could do things the best way possible. In a way I hate it, but in another way, I try to accept this instruction in any way possible, because I know I'll mess up something big time if I don't.

So, I told her last night, and she said that that wouldn't help me at all in life, and that I should really look into my REAL goal, midwifery. "Do that first, and then go to Christ for the nations, if you really want to" I REALLY want to go Christ for the nations, and I thought as midwifery to be something secondary.

After a LONG discussion, we have decided that I probably should go ahead and get my nursing degree. It's not mandatory to get a nursing degree, for getting your midwifery certificate, (At least not in Texas and Illinois) but we thought that could better secure any future jobs that I have.

SO! What's going to happen, is in January, I'm starting Truman college (Ghetto 300 student community college, oh, and CHEAP!) I'm going to take one class per semester. I'll be able to finish any requirements in Math, Chem, and Bio, then, when I'm all graduated and spiffy I'm going to move down to Dallas, and do Christ for the nations. During the summer, (if possible) I'll continue with my 'one class' plan. Once I'm graduated from that, I think I'll go and while I'm spending those two years for Midwifery school, I'll continue throwing credit hours (from my nursing degree) Into the crock pot.

That will be, (I suppose) around 7 YEARS OF SCHOOLING (ick ick ick ick ick) but something cheap. It's all stuff that I think will help me in life. If I start now, I'll finish when I'm 23.

I don't know. I still gotta think about it. But I'll do it. I'll finish with 1. A nursing degree. 2. Advanced Diploma in Practical Theology (Worship and Technical Arts) 3. Midwifery certificate.

Whew. It's going to be a long couple of years.

complain-y complainer

Have you ever heard someone say "I absolutely hate when someone complains!"

Okay, so we've all heard that before, (we've all probably said it too)

What is the big issue about complaining? Why does everyone hate it so much?

A couple days ago, I ran into target to get something, and while I was checking out, this ginormous black dude (I'm 5'11...if he's ginormous to me, just think how ginormous he is in lil' short Chicago) was my cashier.

Nicest cashier I ever met. We carried on a conversation after I checked out, since nobody else was in line, and one thing that he said that I haven't forgotten was "I don't know why everyone has to complain so much, we should just be happy to be alive, and have a roof over our heads, isn't that enough?"

If I didn't say it myself so often, I would ask the "duh! OF COURSE!" question; "Didn't you realize that saying 'I hate when people complain' is complaining?"

I think it gives a super sense of satisfaction in our own lives when we say it...one of those smug thought processes we think to our self...telling yourself that "Thank God I'm not a complainer" . When people complain towards you, it's almost like this fake-but-almost-real burden they just oozed out on you.

"Oh, What's the right thing to say? Sure, you follow the model social exceptions: you nod, -pretending you care- and say so apologetically "I'm sorry, that always sucks when that happens." or "I know how that feels"

Unfortunately, complaining will always stick to us. Either complaining to ourselves, or complaining to other people, or maybe even people complaining to us.

We are, at heart, complain-ee complainers. Which, you know, can sometimes be a good thing...




Okay. I don't know where the crap that post came from. But I've been laughing about it for the last couple days, and thought I should complain about how people complain. So there.

As you can probably tell:

As you guys can see, I have officially changed my name, url, title, yadda yadda yadda...

I was getting sick of explaining my old one, and this one is easier. TA DA.

You are now informed.

Running: Day three. (OH, Carolina Girl!)

I have officially! started the C25K program. If you don't know what it is, Its this great free program, which practically makes you being able to not-being-able-to-run-at-all kind of person (Which I totally am, unfortunately,) to run 3 miles after 9 weeks.

Skinny people who love running, please don't scoff while I am so excited about being able to run a sad, 3 miles... (Or even 4 blocks!!! LOL)I have never been able to run, and I think this is a great opportunity to my 3 month plan! :)

I've been hearing about it for a long time from Carolina Girl, and I never really thought twice about it, but then all of the sudden I had a notion to go look into it, and man I'm excited. Today was day one, and I'm so excited about it.

It might actually work!!!

So, thanks be to Carolina Girl, oh, and of course 3FC. :)

3 month plan: Rehab?

Yesterday was the new start of a new me.

I made myself a new plan; I'm calling it the 3 month plan...Maybe I'll write some religious book in the future, and be the new Joyce Myers.

Ho-hum.

I have decided I'm not exactly proud of myself on a lot of different things, as are many people. So, I would say a 3 month plan, is almost a commitment to myself (hopefully) ending in a victory.

I was imagining all the wondrous things that needed to be changed about me...Sure, I might want to be a size 2, I might secretly want to have a cigarette-sexy voice, and yes, I might want to have a super hot guy fall in love with me.

Realistically, it all won't happen.

I could technically starve myself for 3 years, smoke 2 packs a day, and live the ultimate soap opera. But how realistic is that?

I literally sat down, and thought about it. I won't type out ever single thing I would love to change about myself, but there is some major ones I would absolutely love to be/have.

One: School. I'm in my junior year of high school, I started two weeks ago, and already I'm struggling. I've always really enjoying anything to do with literature, English, and history. But today I realized when I was doing an Algebra problem, how frustrated I got with it. I didn't understand it, and it bugged me. How great would it be if I could be great at school, rather than barely passing in every subject I'm not interested in?

Two: Social. That means: I have realized that everybody isn't the happy go-lucky person I expect them to be. In the last couple years, I've had GREAT friends wherever I went, and they always made me feel really loved, and always made me laugh. Well, unfortunately lots of my friends have moved away this fall...and I, seeking friends, started going other places...It's been hard adjusting? To a new 'brand' of friends. I would always think of others having to change how they were with friends. But now I realize that I'm the only one like me in this new group. Not necessarily a bad thing. But boy-oh-boy, am I out of the crowd. I guess what I'm saying is that I cant 'expect' people to be a friend like I am.

Three: Losing weight. I know, this is one thing that every girl obsesses over, but I'm sick of being unhealthy. Unfortunately, I'm one of the few people who actually have to worry about it. I'm 35-40 lbs overweight. In three months, If I REALLY work at it, hey, I could totally be rockin'.

Four: Really, really work on getting closer to God.
That means: Spending more time with him, fasting, praying, actually reading my bible, heck, even playing piano.

Five: My mad skills. That means: I just want to be really freakin' awesome at playing piano, and singing. How much more frank can I get? Since being semi-involved at the furnace, I've realized that I probably am not as good as I thought as I was. I guess I want to be good as I thought as I was. It's going to be a long ladder, my friend.

So. Three months. Margie is going to be here. Friends are coming back for Winter break. It's going to be my sweet 16th, and hopefully, this won't go all down the drain.

I guess the real reason for me writing this, and showing the world, is that I hope and pray that I'll be able to call this a victory. Yeah, a freaking big one. If I'm actually able to accomplish all 5 things, It should have it's own episode debut on that old TV show It's a miracle... And you know it too!

cleverness.

It's saturday, once again, and i'm realizing how fast my life is rushing by.

I have had SO MUCH happen in the last 9 months, it's astounding. But It doesn't even seem like it has been that long. I'm seriously taking one day at a time. (I know, how quote-ish) My days go by super fast, and when I hit that pillow at night, I think "Didn't I just do this a couple minutes ago?" I'm super happy about lots of things that have been happening to me. Yes, there has been some very crappy parts, but hey, they're over now. I'm happy with myself right now. (Haven't felt that way in a long time) I'm happy with my friends, i'm happy with lots of the decisions, (trust me, i'm surprised that I make decisions too) and well, just plain happy!!! lol

Thought I should mention, I was the prayer furnace yesterday, and it was my turn to do a hour long worship set, so I got up there, and all of the sudden, I realized my voice completley failed on me, and so I was sitting up there just playing piano, and I had 55 minutes left of set. What do you do then? I decided to invited all whoppin 4 people in the room to come up and read whatever bible scripture was on their heart.
Well, I had one after the other of people come up...it turned out to be this really great prayer set. It morphed into prayer for the bride. This one guy came up (who I haven't even seen before at the furnace) and he prayed out of genesis 1!

I never would of thought genesis 1 to be such a powerful prayer...lol It was great.

Aaaah. Such a good time. :) :)

terrifically lovely

I'm finally alone at my house, and I just hugged Anthony goodbye, before my parents come home, and I realized that I haven't written a blog for a really gilly long time.

I guess i'll start out with what's happening lately.

I spent the weekend with Matt and Jess and Cami in Indiana, and I had an amazing time, Cami and Jessica cut my hair a little bit shorter, and me and Cami went outside determined to find apples for an apple pie, which we actually did. :)

This school year is going to be really hard for me, not because of the actual school (if that isn't hard enough) but I would say 3/4 of my friends moved away to college this year.

Everyone from Mather High School, everyone from Saint. Scholastica, Gone. I don't think i've felt this lonely for like 2 years...I think the hardest one is Adam being gone. *

So, now i'm officially back to normal. I think. One of my really close friends told me that I seemed really sad, and that I wasn't even talking, while I was with my usual group of friends. I guess I didn't realize that. I guess I was kind of lost in my own world for a couple of weeks, and i guess I was wallowing in my own tears. lol

So, i'm sorry friends, for not being the most enjoyable person to be around in the last two weeks, please forgive me. :)



* Yes, he was the guy I was talking about. I only was really friends with him since June, and then we we actually "together" since July. 2 months....ah. My first real relationship. Haha. It doesn't seem real...I had a really good time with him,. We knew that we would only be able to date for two months, so it didn't seem like that big of a loss, but I don't think i'll ever do that again. lol.

Jean Shopping: Old Navy.

I bit my lip and decided to go ahead and start shopping for jeans. I decided to NOT go to old navy, and see if there is any other place that has jeans that look slightly okay on me. (Since my last pair from Old Navy sort of ripped in half after a day on-the-go, I thought I should take a step up.) So, I Searched far and wide across Chicago-land.

First, Marshall's. Second, T.J Maxx. Third, Kohl's.......

Everything was either way too expensive, or just looked like CRAP. I finally gave up, and dragged myself into an Old Navy. I stood in front of the rows and rows of jeans, -looking like an idiot- and finally picked carefully out of the dozens of styles; Diva, Sweetheart, Flirt, Goddess, or Dreamer. (Who comes up with these names?!) I skillfully balanced myself on my flip-flops, and started skimming the sizes. Which, by the way, raises another issue, WHY THE HECK do they make bigger sizes (I'll admit it, I'm one of those bigger sizes) all the way to the floor!? Do the staff members love to see the fellow-fat-people teetering on their tiptoes? Do they like to see us grunt and moan trying to find our exact size (short, medium or tall) and then finally discovering it, pulling it out as a victory, only to find that we completely wrecked the neat stack of jeans? WHY OH WHY does every store do that?

Whew. I'm done. *ahem* So, what I was saying, I skillfully balanced myself on the concrete floor, reaching down to the lowest of lows, and find.....*drum roll please* An amazing pair of jeans.

Success!

Remind me to always come back to Old Navy. Even though I think it's crap all other times, I giggle to myself now that I always find what I'm looking for every time I go in there.

Yay Old Navy!

to read or not to read

I have found these last couple of days to be horrible; I have literally been so annoyed at myself for so many reasons beyond words. I have discovered too many things about my self, and almost to the extent of wanting to change every single aspect of myself, and every single little thing that bothers me, (and I'm sure bothers other people too) I have discovered almost a mystery about myself.

It always turns out to be a terrible thing when these things happen, almost eerie. "How did I not know that about myself?" "How did I not notice that there was a major issue in that place of my heart?" I always only seem to notice these things when I talk.

Of course it all come down to my blabber-mouth tendencies. I see that I say things that I don't even realize fell out of my mouth*. I find that I try too hard. My personality is getting berserk because of it. I have noticed clearly with various friendships, It's lacking something more.

Also, another thing that I find really quite frustrating is the fact that I don't have anything interesting about myself. I really don't do anything in particular that wants people to be friends with me. Nothing interesting, not an amazing personality that everyone is intensely attracted to. My group of friends that are not christians tend to be more open, and accept me for my quirky self, I adore that. Why can't everyone be like that?

I discovered though at my church is that people are more closed. Everyone has their own little group, it really is an acceptance issue. It's such a small church, I grew up with practically everyone, but I also feel kind of awkward there. I don't have any real friends there. I have REAL friends there, but i'm not close to them as I wish I could be. (Especially as my church family, frankly,I feel extremely left out) It's almost like I just sit in a chair and hope that someone comes and talks to me.**

Okay, so sorry for the 'downer post' guys, i'm surprised if you actually read this much since it's such a self-absorbed blog post. I'll have to write in later since it is getting so late, and i'll definitely be able to write more by tomorrow (or sunday) I hate where I am, and if you think about me this week or today, please pray for me. This time I really need it. I don't really feel how I want to feel, and it's not good where I am...



*Almost like drool when your sleeping on a plane, you wake up, and you realize you have that drool coming down your chin, on to your chest. It's just about the most embarrassing thing.
**Johnnie- (Since you're the only one who reads my blog, at least I think you do) I'm not necessarily talking about you in general, it's mostly me and my extreme wild imagination taking a hold of me. :)

gah

I know, I know. I haven't posted for a WHOLE WEEK...
So, from now on, I start again. :)

Babysitting.

I am rarely in a bad mood, I don't lose my patience, and I keep my cool, if I tell you I'm in a bad mood, (it's extremely rare) stay far away. It's a warning signal like the rattle of a rattlesnake...Okay, fine, it's not that bad. But I think you get the idea.

Yesterday, I was babysitting, for 12 hours, It's a usual babysitting job, and I honestly don't mind doing it. Okay, I won't get all crazy teenage-babysitter on you, but basically, the baby was supposed to fall asleep around 7:30, and didn't fall asleep till 11:30. Those four hours consisted of me walking around the house trying EVERY SINGLE THING to make her go to asleep, or at least stop crying. The Mom didn't even know what to do,. It sucked.

Okay.
I'm done. :)

Cooking up a storm.

Okay, so in reality, my Mom, cannot cook.

Sure, she can cook meatloaf, and spaghetti. But, I think that's about it. I honestly don't know how she has lived.

I am officially in love with allrecipes.com. I made a personal pact with myself that if I was home I would try to cook myself every meal. Well, i've been having LOADS of fun with it, I've even been making my parents dinner every night*, since when I come home, and all I see them eating is takeout, (or popcorn,) while watching netflix movies, or Lost on their laptops.

Well, since now I feel like such a 50's housewife (or daughter, lol) I have *ahem* discovered when I attempted to make things like Pizza, or anything breaded, turned into major FAIL moments.

SO, also new pact. Learn how to make home-made pizza, or lol anything breaded, it turns out to be successful! :)



**Just a side note, last night I made stuffed zucchini, AMAZING rice, (if I say so myself) salad, and strawberry lemonade :) Yummers.
Tonight, I have lemon garlic chicken with potato's in the crock pot right now. I got to figure out my side dish still...Here I come allrecipes!

conversations.

Aren't conversations the best?

Face it.

You only asked that person what kind of music they liked so that you could tell them what kind of music you liked.

Don't lie.

You only asked how that person's day was so that you could tell them how your day was.

And it always kind of quirks you off when they don't ask you back...



So, personal new mission. I am totally, absolutely, going to ask that-whichever person what kind of music they like, even when I don't want to hear what it is.
:)

quick post

I know. I told myself I really would be writing on here a lot more. But of course, I keep on forgetting.


I'm getting a little messed up in life. Things keep on happening to me, that are just right out of a movie it seems.

I used to get so annoyed with people not trusting other people, but yet I find myself not wanting to tell anybody anything. I think it's mostly because i'm embarassed. Not because I don't trust you guys, it's just that I can't stand thinking that anybody will take advantage of me again. Is that not trusting?

Crap. It totally is.

I need to make a phone call.