The Ideal time to be born...

I wish I was born in the mid 30's.
The Great Depression started in October, of 1929. It officially ended with Pearl Harbor, (December, 1941) The beginning of of WWII.

Which, ultimately, would mean that, (saying I was born in 1935) I would be 6 years old.

I would grow up, without much technology (which would be nice) and in the 50's go to college, in the 60's start a family, (or not) and, well, haha probably be dead right now.

I don't want to go through this crap with the economy, or people saying it's the "End of the world" I don't want to hear different people here, and that they are the anti-Christ. Or, for that matter, WHATEVER.

Frankly, I'm freaking out about that. I don't want to hear about all this CRAP I have to go through, I know however wrong it sounds, I like my world in safety. In God's crook of his arm... Why can't that happen?

IF I was born in the 30's, life would be pretty good. It was a WONDERFUL time for you to be living. (if you lived in America) I mean, there was no wars that actually hurt US personally. The invincible USA.

Our Country (our WORLD) is in a downturn. It's freakin' scary. Obviously, I was born in the time for a reason. I know that. But, boy, does it SUCK.

Pretty much everything is just going wrong. We're too smart/too dumb for our own little heads. All at the same time. We all think we're right. It's all pushing and shoving. The immaturity of this all!
I like to pretend that I'm living in this perfect world, and that everything is handy-dandy, and that everyone is just making up all this different crap about the economy.

Ah. It's a lovely thought. :)

But alas, I'm a dork. And it all comes towards me like wind-from-the chimney. And I'm back in the world. And it still sucks.

We're all screwed anyways. We're all still going to die. Just look around, everyone in about 70 years, is going to be D-E-D. Dead.

I hate that thought....

Titus. (You sicko) THE BIBLE.

Those pictures are of my favorite bird of Jessica's batch of parakeets (there is about eight of them, from laying all those eggs) I love him. He's really quiet, and just likes sleeping in a scarf all day long. His name is Titus... haha.

The prayer furnace.,

I'm super tired right now.
But, I have to stay awake until I leave off to the friendship center. So, -in order for me to stay awake- I'll write. Nothing amazing is happening on facebook. What else am I supposed to do?

Yesterday was fun. I spent most of the day at the furnace. I really love being a piano teacher to Liz. (aka, 'The Lizards') I see how much she has improved over the 3 weeks. Yesterday we practiced the song My name is Graven, For about 30 minutes. I felt bad for the people in back because it was pretty much just the two chords, over and over. But at the end of it, she was doing it perfectly with BOTH hands, thank you very much. :)
In the prayer room I had a good time too. I laid down on the floor and just read my bible, and underlined everything that stood out to me. I really meditated on it. And really asked God what those things meant. About 30 minutes later, and 1 1/2 pages later, I was done.
Then me and Johnnie looked at the ginormous map on the wall, and pointed to the places where we've been, and where we want to go.

Yeah.
That was my exciting day at the furnace. Whoop dee doo. I'm going there again at 4, today. :)

The CTA

I'm sitting at the very quiet friendship center, and really bored. Today was kind of long (er then usual) since all the days lately have been way too short.
Today I went to one of those tea parties things downtown, my parents decided to take the cta, which was one of the most funniest things in the world. My parents never go on the cta just about ever, and they just think if you go on there the first thing that will happen to you is you'll, A: Get shot/get pulled a knife on. B: Get immediately raped.
And to see them go up to the little candy shop area and ask to buy their transit cards, was pretty funny too.
Now, I don't have tons of experience with the cta. I go on it maybe once a month, so I'm not a completely dud in the area.
My parents are way too over protective, I'm not allowed to go alone, It's okay if I go with at least two people my age, who know where they're going.
Still, my parents haven't been on a Chicago train probably since 2003.

Lately, I have been too bored with my life. I want some sort of excitement., Like I said in my previous post, I want something spontaneous to happen. All my friends are going somewhere for the summer, or have new boyfriends/girlfriends, and well, frankly, I'm left in the dust.

I know I might be going to Indiana this summer, but that's still for only a month pretty much. lol. Okay. I'm done.

RED HEAD DANCE MOVES (stolen from carolina girl)

this is sooo freaking amazing.

Nothing like smelling dog poop at 3 in the morning.

Well. It was pitch black in my room, and I heard my Dog's little nails clinking on my hardwood floor going back and forth. I decided to turn on my light, where I found out my Dog had taken a crap, on my floor.

I was actually pretty cheerful (which is weird for me, because I am NOT a morning person) and got up and let my Dog go outside and (I could tell she was sick, I wasn't going to blame her, if she had to go, she HAD TO GO, she would never poop in my room for any other reason) I got a plastic bag and a rag and warm soapy water and fixed it, and then sprayed room with half a bottle of febreeze and hairspray.

It worked.

So. That really is my "story of the day."

There isn't a bunch left for me to write about, except, I'm hoping for something spontaneous to happen over the weekend. I would just love something exciting to happen. Just once. Not Bad spontaneous, but seriously, like, amazing spontaneous....lol.
Let's see what happens. :)

Easter and New Family

Easter was good.
I don't know why, but I always expect way too much of holidays, which leads me to be kind of "eh" about the whole thing.
Which sucks.

I talked to Sarah, Matt (my cousin) and Sarah's boyfriend Ruben about the things I have been dealing with. Now I understand how great it is to talk to Family. (Even though Ruben really isn't family, but I still think he is pretty amazing) I mean, my parents are hard to talk with, but for them, I felt like there were no judgements.
It was nice.

This was really the first time I met Ruben, and I think he is great for Sarah,...I thought it was hilarious how he was just waiting for my Dad to lay on the questions. I was surprised too. Usually my Dad goes a little bit crazy on new boyfriends.
Only 3 more days on my fast! I'm staying strong.

Oh, also, do you remember how I was saying I "was bored with God"? Lately I haven't.. It's been super nice. I'm, well, super excited...

Hmm...

Like I should be.

I babysat today.
And drank coffee today.
And edited for two hours today for Marg.
And emailed people today.

And I'm getting annoyed. Friday was really hard for me., Nothing I could probably write about online. Or, anywhere for that matter. But it's something that made me doubt God. Last February. THAT ONE TIME. During the amazing service, was all I could think about. All I could see. And it made me depressed that the ONE time I could actually engage, I was completely crushed by that fact. Right ahead of me.

Ever happened to you? Ever feel like God completely let you down? I think everyone has. And as for Friday's service, (if I understood it right) So did Jesus. But, if I think about it, brokenness is good.
Great things come out of brokenness. *Brokenness sometimes never gets healed, because some people don't want it to. What goes up in the brokenness scale, must come down. I hope one day, I won't be like the other people. I hope to lift people up. And never bring anyone down. Or judge their gifts of hearing God by examples. (There is no "What goes down must come back up" saying) But I just wished people would stop asking me, oh so bluntly, "Your not over that yet?" Like I should be.



*Sometimes I wonder if I don't want healing. But yet I do, slightly? (if that makes sense) I still have my crumpled up tin-can heart, that sometimes I'm way too good at hiding. Which i'm glad for. Much better then throwing that tin-can heart at other people.

Tattoos and Passover

Eh. Well... People are still downstairs, talking after the passover dinner. (Btw, if you didn't know, I'm not Jewish, it's just that my Mom has a strange addiction to Jewish stuff, so there we go, haha)

Well. I have been actually thinking about this for a long time. I want to get a tattoo. I really don' t know what I want, but somewhere where I know if I get really old and wrinkly, or gain 900 lbs, that It will still look okay. I have decided that the best possible place was on the top part of my back, or the front of my shoulders, (like near my collar bone, or like the pic) And then, it's a matter of pain tolerance. I have just about the lowest amount of, well, pain tolerance. I can't stand it. So, tattoos that are small, is pretty much a must.

So, since I like the idea of birds (and like the picture kind-of-birds) I was looking up pictures on google images, trying to find bird tattoos that go across my back, and shoulders (because that is ultimately what I would want) But then, the smallness of the tattoos in the picture, is kinda cool, and not that noticeable....Well, I think I might actually go forward with it. I guess, I mean, I have just about 2 1/2 more years until I can do it, lol. But It would be good. What do you think I should do?

Will you move with me?

Well. I kept on forgetting to post a blog, and then kept on putting it off, and then, well, kept on putting it off. Johnnie reminded me about it, which is, why, well, here I am... lol

Originally, last Friday, I really wanted to write a blog about some frustrations I had, but then I got over it on Monday, so I guess that tells you how quickly I get past my "pissy-ness." The main thing was, was that I got angry that my Dad didn't think I was "spiritually adequate" for certain colleges. (Since now I'm looking into colleges! :) ) But, enough about that.

I have been really wanting to do the bridegroom fast lately. It's a fast where (Idk, thousands? Millions?) of Christians fast the first Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday of every month, which pretty much sums it up to 40 days a year. I didn't want to pray about the same things that they were praying about, so I pretty much did my own thing. I'm on the third day right now, but I think I'm going to jump it ahead to a 10 day fast. (besides passover, which is tomorrow, more on that later. ) This fast has been REALLY great. I have been super energetic, (and CHEERFUL for that matter) and I haven't gotten sick, not even once. (yay, no puking!) Which is great for my usually-nauseous-tummy. I'm drinking any/every kind of liquids, and every once in a while some ice cream just for the crap of it. (FROZEN LIQUIDS) And, well yeah. I'm doing pretty good :)

Last night everyone piled into our house to try on the bridesmaid dresses. They don't look as bad as I thought, and I'm really just going to have to deal with it.

Well. I have been officially looking for some sort of colleges. Next spring I'm taking my ACT and I'm looking into it now.
I really want to go out of state, my original plan to be hot and passionate about, was NO Christian colleges whatsoever, (I don't remember all the reasons, but they were good) But then my Dad gave me Crap about it, (as said before) and so of course I changed my mind to please him. (I'm a sucker and I'm going to regret it later) Now I'm looking into going to some college either in Florida (I love the idea of Clearwater Christian College) or maybe even some where in DALLAS. Ah. My favorito place in the world. I could maybe even get a apartment with Marg, (I know, it's lame) and then I have a great house of prayer right there too!

This is not a april fools joke

Now, i'm not saying my Dad isn't a 'Holy Man' or anything like that, but he loses his temper oh-so-easily, which probably isn't the best thing if tons of people find you as an authoritative figure.

Yesterday, (Every Tuesday) I, set up for the ladies luncheon. Most of the time, by myself. I set all the tables up, bring the chairs, set up the food table, put down tablecloths, I make sure everything looks handy-dandy. Then, while everyone is eating, I sit in the back office, and do the rest of the data-entry I do for my job, with a plate of Indian food on the desk, and then I clean up from the ladies luncheon. It's my job, and i do it.

Well, today, afterwards all that happened, me and my Mom rushed out the door, to go to the south-side of Chicago, to go visit Rusty Taylor, who is doing the catering for my sisters bridal shower, we had to go shopping with her, which ultimately took 5 hours, of hauling 20 packages of Chicken, 8 bags of potatoes, 20-2 litres of 7-up, and big cans of pineapple juice, in the hail and the rain (I know, i'm REALLY justifying myself here) up her gagillion steep steps up to her house.
Afterwards, (It was about 10 at night) we drove home, to a house filled with people, who were helping Jessica write out the envelopes for her wedding invitations.
Most of the people left, and the rest of us had a good time laughing our heads off while we played youtube videos of stand-up comedy while writing out things, and eating.
About 1am, my Dad came in, and started half-yelling at my Mom about how she parked in our back parking space, and how my Dad had to circle around for 10 minutes to find a parking spot, (only one block away) in front of everybody. Now, I get really pissed off when our family starts any kind of fight in front of company... I sat there, and listened, and then I spoke, while trying to keep my calmest, and sweetest voice, and I honestly didn't think he would be angry.

"Oh Dad, i'm sorry that happened, we had a really hard day too, we did all the shopping with Rusty today, we had to carry in food for 100 people up to her house and everything...." (Btw, I'm not really just making it sound all juicy-nicey and everything, I REALLY did say it like that, I have proof from about 7 people)

"What does that have to do with anything Evie?! I had a long day too! I had a vision trip* at the friendship center, and I had to clean there too! I had a **AGREEMENT with your Mother that whoever came home the latest would park in the back! So, it's YOUR JOB to SHUT THE HELL UP and be SEEN and NOT HEARD like you're SUPPOSED to be DOING." (He really was getting heated about this)

So what was my reply? "Good night everyone." (Which really was the best answer in my opinion...) And, I went up stairs, brushed my teeth, and sat on my bed, and watched t.v. My two of my biggest motto's in life, is to never go to bed angry, and to have grace and look at both sides of things. So, I forgot about it by the time my sister came up.

Well, about a 30 minutes later, Jessica came upstairs and knocked on my bedroom door, and told me what happened afterwards. I guess, what happened was that after I went upstairs, everyone was really quiet just looking at everybody else, for about 5 minutes. Then Jessica and Matt started telling my Dad it was wrong for him to say things like that and everything. And my Dad got kinda pissed off, and, well, yeah.

My Dad is one of those people that loses his temper way too easily, and well, I don't. Our personality's clash SOO much it's not even funny. He always seems to do this to me in public too, which then I have embarrassing questions from people worried, asking, "Do you have significant problems with your Dad?" or "Do you need help honey?"

Now, the reason i'm writing this out, and showing the world this, is because my Dad chooses to lose his temper in public so often, then I might as well tell the people who think my Dad is the ultimate-being of this world, that he might be all that great. This isn't the biggest thing he has done, but ohhh boy, does it piss me off. I thought I should write about it.
Last night, I was pretty over it, but then I got a little bit angry about the thought of why I try so hard to make him happy. He rarely ever says he is proud of me, or anything like that, He doesn't smile when i'm around, and he always just seems really pissed off. I know he has a hard time with stress and everything, but really, if you're stressed out about something don't blame your family for it. It's your own problems. Sometimes I feel like i'm the stressed out parent and he is the hormonal teen. I know. Laugh, It's crazy. But I do so much crap around this house that I feel like my parents should be taking care of. I always make myself look the nicest, and say the most lovely things about my parents ministry, and my church, and myself, and my parents, and accept compliments, and prayer, and try to be the perfect MK like I was trained up to be. Maybe it's a season with God, and I just need to learn. Gosh I hope so.




*Vision Trips: Okay, if you don't know what the crap that is, it's where people from all over the united states come up, and go around little India, to see if their 'called there' or what-not, and my Dad gives them a lesson, and then he hands them a piece of paper, and then they feed him. That's it. But every time my Dad mentions it, he makes it sound like it's the hardest thing in the world, and he deserves the world for it. Now, I guess it could be harder, but I sat with my Dad for lots of these things, and from what i get out of it, that's what he does.

**The "agreement" he had with my Mom, was that exactly, except he breaks that agreement continually, he says he is tired and that he didn't want to think about parking, but when we get back home, we park about 3 blocks away, and it's much worse for 2 girls walking around our neigborhood then him walking around.

And let there be: Wanting to run away.

Wow.
It's been a long, long time since I last wrote (6 days, lol) I'm bored. So here I am. I got back from the 'girls apartment' about two hours ago. I was helping Babs clean up the fridge, in the big empty apartment, which i'm never going to see again. Me and her were having a long heated conversation, where I started crying.
We were talking about my need for change.
I don't remember when Marvin and Sally came last, (I think fall?) and I right before then was really trying to figure out what to do in my life for the summer. I am sick and tired of just doing nothing over the summer. I really want to work on my relationship with God, since now i'm (sorry for saying this) bored with God. I know, it sounds JUST AWFUL, but i'm being completely honest. I feel like i'm going nowhere. Example: You're on the treadmill in the basement. Sure, you're still going, but the scenery around you is still that moldy ceiling. And no matter how fast or hard you try to go, you're still seeing the same-old same-old.
I really hate that. I try really hard, but nothin' is completely working!

As I have been thinking about this for about a year, I realize it's really where I am. I'm in the prayer furnace, where I grew up my whole life, I know EVERYONE. EVERYONE knows me. I get 'approving glances' from people when I stand up and 'supposedly' worship. I HATE THAT. I want to worship, and people come up to me, oh "Evie, I can see God really moved you're heart since you stood up. PRAISE GOD!" Oh yeah, uh-huh. Praise God. Thanks for ruining it.

I just don't want anyone looking at me, I don't want anybody to 'notice' me. I know what you're saying, "But don't you want everyone to know that you worship God?" Yeah. But can't I just be the insecure teenage girl that i'm supposed to be? Well anyways, to the point, I do it as well, -and you know you do it too- in my head I see someone stand up worshipping, that doesn't usually stand up, and I think to myself, "Wow, the presence is strong here" In my southern voice. Which is instantly followed by me slapping my knee and exclaiming in my head, "Crap, I did it again".
So, in essence, i'm not blaming the furnace at all, or people there, or whatever. I just need new environment.

Okay. My whole entire story leading up to it is, I asked Marvin and Sally if possibly they had a summer internship there that I could be a part of... I would LOVE that. It could really help my spiritual life. Oh God. Please let me go!

Barbara was saying that she felt I should go. And I needed that,. since my parents are kinda against me going there.
Well. I guess i'm done. Let's hope I can fall back into my schedule of writing everyday.

And let there be: Frustration with God.

Well, as by the title, you could magically discover that I am, officially frustrated. Last night at our church, we had Alli Morgan come to visit at our church...She was a very amazing person, and to hear all of her stories/testimonies made me excited.

Well, I guess you should know where I'm coming from; I should say that I grew up as a Christian, in a "Radical Church" if you would like to say that, umm, well I have had a easy life in some points, I have never been raped, I never really abused drugs/alcohol, I never was homeless, I never have gone a day hungry, my parents aren't divorced, I have never had anybody close to me die. I have a lot to be thankful for, really.

I kinda always wanted (as sick as this sounds) to be in a hurtful situation, where I could come to God, weak, and "in want", I could get a holy-spirit-blast from God, and bam! TESTIMONY. Lol. I find my life so dull, I'm not saying that I should go out and have all those things happen to me, but it's hard when everyone around is saying "I WAS AN ALCOHOLIC, I WAS A PORN ADDICT, AND SUICIDAL, AND GOD RADICALLY SAVED MY LIFE!!!"

I'm just little ol' me. I want to come from that brokenness, and be fully able to understand God, and appreciate him, for all he is worth. I guess that's what I'm trying to figure out, why can't I appreciate God for everything he is worth? It's because I don't come from that brokenness, you really find God when you come from brokenness. It's simple, In the dream 101 class I took, they said sometimes God puts you in those hard places because you're so in "happy-land" that you completely forget about God, no more, "Thanks God" or "How are ya?" We forget about him because we are not in want any more. Jesus is JEALOUS for you. He wants your full attention... he loves making you happy, but especially when you are THANKFUL for it. I mean, I guess you could look at it on two ways, "Wow, God is a jerk" or "Aw, God just wants our full attention" My reaction was the first of the two. But really, you could look at it two ways. Okay. So, now I'm officially rambling on and on.

Well, okay, since now you know, I'm not in any state whatsoever of brokenness, I try really hard to talk to God daily, and I always want my little taste of "Him."
Alli was saying "Ask and you shall receive" So, I ask. Okay, not working, i'll "Knock, and the door will be opened" Nope. Not working. John Bailey asked the people who want to be prayed for to step up. I step up. I stood there awkwardly playing with my ring on my finger to be prayed, everyone around me is being blasted, laughing their heads off, screaming, falling on the ground. Yeah. Again, i'm the random person who never falls flat on their face. Alli prayed for me for like two seconds for freedom in my love.
Right.
I stood there trying to giggle (my thought process was, "well maybe if I start, I won't want to stop.") So, it turned out too awkward for me. I decided to go pray for my "Blast" so I sat on the ground by the blankets, and I had my head, face down on the chair. And I prayed. Well, and cried. I hoped something would happen. Nope. Absolutely nothing. Once again.

I really only once got "holy spirit-blasted" and that was when I was 13, and I went to a prayer meeting with my sister at Nora's house. Everyone prayed for me, and I saw a vision of my heart, and how it was like a tin-can that was completely crumpled, and that God was sticking one of those things (like sticks? I don't really know, I know they do it with smashed in cars, lol) in to pop it all back into place again. It ended up completely restored, only with holes in it, but then all the holes were filled. Yep. That was my vision. lol that was after the worst summer of my life. lol

Yep. That's it...Definitely more tomorrow, I wanted to write about other things, but this has gotten too long.
:D

Singing.

Well. I guess it's true that I am officially back. I did my set with Danielle, and the other one with Jessica. I honestly LOVE singing on both of those sets. I don't think people get how much I really enjoy it. Danielle's set was good, the final song though was one which I know I suck at, so I decided just to get up and leave. Probably not the best thing in the world. lol, but Danielle knows I hate doing that one, and I know she is trying to help me, (Which she is!) At Jessica's set, I prayed right before I jumped up there that I would have true freedom, and that I wouldn't give a crap what people thought, well, I accomplished that (at least through out the set, lol) I tried my crappy harmonizing, I tried to sing higher then I really can, I did everything I thought I couldn't.

The poor people in the rows.

I think I try to be everything some people try not to be. I'm usually quiet and timid up there because I don't want to be that one-crappy-singer-who-does-nothing-but-just-keeps-screaming-in-the-microphone type of girl. I would rather be the humble person who always thinks she sucks. In my head, it's much better! I have people tell me different opinions of my voice "Oh Evie, you're AMAZING, keep going at it! God has even better things for you!" or, "Uh, er, Evie, maybe you should try to stay more quiet, you have to practice a little more because you're going off-key most of the time." I hate honesty. I would rather people tell me that i'm "amazing" all the time, but then again, I know that they really would be lying, and it's helping to "Build me up in ways I couldn't have imagined." I, on the other hand, love giving compliments to people as much as I like receiving them. I think it's just about the nicest thing when someone says "Why, don't you look pretty today." With a big smile on their face, Why not give back what you receive? I never lie when I give my compliments, but seriously, how much brighter could you make someones day?

I'm trying to reassure myself that lots of people go off key alot, and that I just need to probably spit out some money and get voice lessons, but gosh I wish I was just really good right off the bat, with no practice whatsoever. I have had crap loads of people give me "Prophesies" that I'm going to "Have this amazing voice" or "Lead incredibly anointing worship" etc. etc., And I think I might just take that a tad too the highest power. I really probably, just need to seek God out, and ask him for everything, because I can't do it myself.
SO! Practice and prayer makes PERFECT I guess I should say.
Blech.

CHICAGO

Well.

I'm back in Chicago. And, I realize now how unhappy I really am here. Florida was a complete reliever...

That's it.